


Decisions

by Kate04



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-05
Updated: 2014-04-05
Packaged: 2018-01-18 07:43:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1420105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kate04/pseuds/Kate04
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After rescuing Tuvok and Neelix and therefore killing Tuvix, Janeway has to live through a bad time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Decisions

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Voyager and its characters are owned by CBS Studios Inc., but the idea is mine.
> 
> Author's note: This one was written for Elem ( VAMB's Secret Santa 2005).
> 
> Many thanks to SevenJetC for her excellent last minute beta! I don't know what I would do without you.

> _"A weak man has doubts before a decision,_
> 
> _a strong man has them afterwards."_  
>   
>      -Karl Kraus
> 
>  

When the doors of sickbay closed behind her, Kathryn stopped for a moment to pull herself together. She could not give in to the tears. Not now. Not in the corridor. Closing her eyes for a short moment, she forced her feelings back inside a dark corner of her being. When she was sure she had herself under control, she started towards her quarters. If only she would not meet anyone on the way. Conversation was one thing she certainly could not cope with at the moment. The hallways seemed to stretch endlessly and the lift doors took ages to open, but finally, after what had felt like hours, Kathryn reached her quarters.

On the short way from her door to the bathroom she undressed, leaving her clothes where they fell. A hot bath was what she needed. Maybe that would make her feel better.   
While the tub filled with hot water, the captain ordered a bottle of whiskey and a glass from the replicator. Before taking a single step towards the bathroom she emptied the first glass. It felt like liquid silk on its way down her throat and warmed her stomach considerably. It did not dissolve the huge rock that had firmly settled within said stomach.

  
On her way back to the bathroom, Kathryn poured and drained another glass. She put bottle and glass on the board next to the tub and stepped into the tub. The water was painfully hot and her nerves cried out in protest, but Kathryn did not care. She had Tuvix' blood on her hands, all over herself.

  
As soon as she had sat down, she reached for the scrubber she used for cleaning her fingernails, ferociously scrubbing every square inch of her body. Her tender skin burned and almost felt like she would scrub it off, but still Kathryn did not care, welcoming the pain as it was proof that she was alive after all.

  
Ever since Tuvix had refused to be treated by the Doctor, Kathryn had felt as if she were operating on autopilot. Her emotions had taken a backseat, the captain's mask had been firmly in place and she had done what had been the best for her ship and crew. Now she tried to wash the mask away along with her guilt.

  
Only when the water was cold and she started shivering violently did Kathryn get out of the tub wrapping herself in a towel. She used her hands to wipe the steam from the small mirror then placing them on both sides of the sink to stop the trembling. Kathryn Janeway forced herself to look at her reflection in the mirror, to look into her own eyes. As her eyes met their counterpart, the memories began to assault her and she could hear Tuvix' voice as if he stood in front of her.

_Except one. I don't want to die._

She could see his distressed expression and the shocked mien of Kes and the Doctor as they realised that Tuvix had become a living being.

_It's my life. Isn't it my decision?_

Had she been wrong to decide for him? She was the captain, but she was by no means God.

_What you're considering is an execution._

The recollection of he horror Tuvix had radiated, drove Kathryn to her knees, hoping that his voice would stop once she could not see her reflection anymore.

_I'm here, alive._

It did not stop. She buried her face in her hands and started sobbing uncontrollably.

_But I have the will to live of two men._

_I'm flesh and blood, and I have the right to live._

Kathryn was beyond coherent thought at this point. She collapsed on the bathroom floor, rolling into a ball.

_Are you going to stand by and do nothing while she commits murder?_

She had killed her friend and everyone would hate her for what she had done.

_I forgive you._

*********

After Chakotay had checked on their newly returned officers and a few others who had been particularly close to Tuvix, he turned the bridge over to Harry and left. When the lift doors closed behind him, he took a deep breath and leaned against the wall.

"Computer, location of Captain Janeway."

"Captain Janeway is in her quarters." the always cheerful voice answered.

"Deck three." he advised the computer.

Although Chakotay was sure he would find the Captain to be 'just fine' as she always claimed to be, he wanted to stop by her quarters to offer his shoulder should she need it.

He rang the chime when he reached her quarters. Waiting a few moments he tried it again and then a third time. After the computer confirmed her location, he punched in his override and stepped into the dark room. It took his eyes a few seconds to adjust to the darkness and he used them to listen to any sounds that might give away Kathryn's location. The instant the hissing sound of the closing door died away, he picked up a soft sobbing. Following it towards the bedroom, he saw the light shine through the half opened bathroom door.

The sight that greeted him as he stepped through the door shocked him to the bone. Kathryn Janeway, the intrepid captain of the U.S.S. Voyager lay on the floor covered only by a towel, sobbing violently. He squatted down next to her, touching her shoulder tenderly.

"Kathryn?" When she did not react to his presence, he picked her up carefully, carried her to the bed and gently put her down. He sat down on the edge of the bed and cradled her head in his lap, stoking her hair, softly murmuring incoherent words until she calmed slightly. After a while Kathryn sat up, but did not meet his eyes.

"Do you want to talk about it, Kathryn?" he offered.

"Why are you here, Chakotay? How can you even look at me after what I have done? You must be disgusted." she asked instead, still averting her gaze.

Chakotay brushed her tears away with his thumbs and made her look up at him. "Kathryn, look at me. Why should I not be here? Why should I not want to look at you? You've had to make a very tough decision today and I don't envy you at all. There was no right or wrong choice this time. No matter how you had decided someone would have died. Think of Kes and Neelix or Tuvok and his wife."

He put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her against him, her head resting against his chest. "I don't say you should not grieve for Tuvix, but please don't think anyone hates you because of your choice. If possible they only respect you more now. I certainly do and I am not disgusted. I promised you once that I would stay by your side no matter what and I tend to keep my promises. I will always be there for you." Kathryn looked at him and tried a tentative smile.

"Thank you, Chakotay." Chakotay gently pulled her head towards him, planted a soft kiss on her forehead and smiled at her.

His warmth engulfed her and she let her head rest against his chest again, breathing in his scent. The trembling finally stopped completely and for the first time that day Kathryn was able to breath easier.

 

************


End file.
